I've been a very bad blogger... sometime I'll need to sort out a mobile solution, all of my clearest compositions seem to occur in my head while I am on the move.
Still, the thoughts do happen so at least I haven't succumbed fully to modern day anesthesia. I don't spend most of my day discussing American Idol or Brittney Spears, at least not yet. I think a lot of us aren't all that comfortable listening to the other stuff in our heads. I'll be honest, one of the things I really like about riding motorcycles is the amount of brain power it consumes. It's hard to wax philosophic while strafing a stretch of twisty road.
The last few months have been a real roller coaster, lots of ups and downs. Births, deaths, good times with friends and family and a few pretty wicked conflicts with many of those same folks. Recently, someone that meant a lot to me, passed away. I guess, in some ways, I'd long since grieved her loss as we had been apart for years. Life changes us all making people we connect with deeply, total strangers.
Never one to conform or for that matter really live up to obligations, let alone expectations, she lived her life mostly to her own satisfaction. I don't know if I have ever met someone so willing to toss everything and start over. Her life's story reads as tragic; unrealized potential, squandered opportunities, broken relationships... and a far too early departure from this world.
It's funny though, sitting at her funeral, surrounded by the large crowd of friends and family, she managed to speak to me, about me. A picture of her shocked me back to a time when we were as close as two people can be, a time when I really felt things and everything mattered. My life was really in upheaval when we met and she contributed to the chaos... but she also showed me things that I might have otherwise never learned. She did broaden my horizons, add to my life's experiences and ultimately, through our breakup, I learned to be a much stronger, self confident person.
Our time together also produced the most important person in my life. I've had the pleasure of raising our daughter.... me being the responsible one and all. Again, my life's experiences enriched through our relationship.
So, how did a dead person speak to me? Let me preface this by saying I am pretty cynical about this whole communicating with the dead thing. Having said that, sometimes you just know. I experienced that first when my father passed some years ago. He died suddenly and I got a call from a hospital about an hour from my office. Basically, they said "your father collapsed and you need to get here right away." They would not share any more details over the phone. About half way to the hospital... I knew he was dead and I sensed him telling me he was OK. Weird, even now but as real as anything I have ever felt.
This week, at my ex's funeral, I read some favorite quotes of her's they had selected for the program. Many of these were things she started saying years after we spent any time together so they were new to me. The two that I KNOW she put there for me were " sometimes, I ask myself, would I rather be happy or right?" and "the most important thing about deciding what you want is figuring out what you are willing to give up to have it." They hit me like a a brick upside the head.
In my mind, my life has been a series of doors opening and closing... some with good results and others not so much. Lately, the number of doors and the rate at which they seem to open and close is at an all time high. It's been hard to make sense of it all. I've been fighting all these years to do what's right, live up to expectations and be responsible... to earn my way out of chaos. Good stuff but in the end, you still are what you are and need the things that make you satisfied. In many ways, that's been the elusive part. She and I had become polar opposites in this world and I think she's trying to tell me that as far as she went one way, I went in the other; neither result being ideal.
Maybe I'll poke my head into a few doors and see what's on the other side.... I think I'll give myself permission to consider options and take a few risks again. For that, Dyanna, I gotta say thanks.